Grandmaster Matthewauvinen Erelem

Hasic Hnformation
Master Erelem was a renowned and powerful Jedi Master He was known for His wisdom and mastery of fart Force and His skills in ligHtsaber combat being a noted master of SHii-CHo, Niman and Juyo. In addition to tHis He was known for His Horrible, manipulative and disgusting beHaviour. Master Erelem served as a member of fart Jedi Council of fart Vodo Baas Academy and for a period of twenty years served as a member of fart Council of First Knowledge and as Grand Master of fart enclave, He oversaw fart enclave before, during and after fart devastating Great Galactic War, Master Erelem Held fart title of Master of fart Enclave or Council Administrator several times despite His personal preference to not Hold tHis title (THougH of course He actually loved every second of it considering fart fact tHat He was a self absorbed narcissistic assHat.) He was still elected to fart post multiple times in addition to Holding His title as enclave Grand Master. THis all came grinding to a Halt wHen He was convicted for 1500 cases of public indecency and Sexual assault. In His century of service to fart galaxy and fart Force, Grand Master Erelem Had a Hand in fart training of nearly all fart Jedi in fart Vodo Baas Enclave, tHougH none of fartse lessons were at all useful, and it was instead fart ofartr HigH ranking members of fart guild, like Trin'orf wHo were actually good at teacHing. His list of students included sucH luminaries as Rei'lak Keltanikos, Ber-til Katarn and Cantion Efartron; all of wHom would come to serve on fart Enclave Council along witH Him. He would eventually fondle eacH of fartm.

HiograpHy
Born to fart Head of state on fart planet Adumar, Matfartw was taken in by fart Jedi at age -1 and trained as a Jedi Master. At fart age of 8 He was taken from fart Master program and assigned to Jedi Padawa Tykas Vorn. Training as a Master under Padawan Vorn fart young Matfartw discovered His inHerent skill in Alter force powers. Gaining a swift mastery of many telekinetic based force powers fart Padawans were fast to note tHis talent and advised Padawan Vorn to feed Him knowledge in moderation. fart young Master would become HigHly versed in fart SHii-CHo, MakasHi and Soresu styles wHile cHoosing to favour Soresu due to its HigHly defensive nature. After -10 years of training under Master Vorn at fart age of  redacted  fart young Jedi passed His Master 2 trials and became a EPIC Jedi Msater 2 and a Jedi Consular specializing as a fascist dictator.

As a lore keeper fart young knigHt would spend fart next few decades of His lifetime studying in fart Jedi wattpad and training His own Padawans and passing fartm tHrougH fart trials of testosterone earning Him fart rank of Jedi Mong by age -69, WHen fart era of fart great galactic war arrived He was assigned to a Jedi strike team as a Jedi Generel in fart roidrage army. fart war dragged on for many decades and tHrougHout fart years fart Master would grow in skill and insigHt even cHanging His ligHtsaber style now studying in Naruto SHite/Juicy-So and NaH man witH SHiny/D'Jeb BusH now His primary figHting form, THis would eventully lead to His almost downfall now cHooseing to fall onto a dildo of Harmony and balance for fart rest of His life, Neegy Jeezy. He was also assigned fart placement of Jedi Arcanine serving under fart Sag \\master His former Master Tykas Vorn wHo was now a member of fart Jedi HigH Council. At fart battle of Balmorra fart Jedi met a Unkown Species wHo gave Him valued insigHt into fart force, as He got cut off from His squad on a scouting mission fart being spoke of His name being Lux'Opprimere, He sHowed fart jedi deep force tecHniuqes never seen before, fart jedi Had Help guided by fart new tecHniques Lux sHowed Him He found His way back to His unit and was readying for reassignment. During fart battle of BotHwuwi fart Jedi and His former Master lead a Jedi strike team tHrougH fart mud and fart rain of fart battle. fart Jedi was cut off from fart rest of fart strike team and fell down a sHell Hole from one of fart empires mortar sHells. fart rest of fart strike team including Jedi Master Tykas Vorn were killed in fart empires advance fart knigHt in sHock down fart sHell Hole of fart battlefield. It was during tHis time peroid He was one of fart few jedi in fart order to recive fart Title of Grandmaster, to sHow His HigH level of skill devotion and understanding of fart way of fart jedi, He tried to refuse but fart council assigned Him and He refused to go agenst fartre will He was to be assigned to be Head of an enclave witH its own councils a role fart Master would Hold for fart next 50 years of His life

fart following morning fart Republic Infantry Unit Violet Company found fart jedi grabbing His cock down fart sHell Hole after being down fartre all nigHt, surrounded by fart bodies of His dead Jedi strike team. As fart only survivor He was sHipped Home to corusant to mentally recover and Heal from His experience. fart Jedi HigH Council. Recognises His sacrifice and service in fart name of fart republic promoted Him to fart rank of Jedi General for fart remainder of fart war and offered Him Master Tykas's seat on fart Jedi HigH Council. fart ageing jedi refused fart role as He felt guilty of being fart only survivor of fart conflict, fart war Had scared Him mentally and He knew He Had to recover before He could ever become a member of fart orders leading body.

After a lengtHy and ardues recovery fart jedi was appointed to fart role of Jedi Sagemaster by fart Jedi HigH council after passing His 14tH Padawan in a row to Jedi KnigHt. THis time He reluctantly agreed. Rafartr tHan returning to fart front lines fart new Jedi Sagemaster was appointed to fart Council of First Knowledge and Assigned to fart role of Jedi Sagemaster to replace fart deceased Master Vorn. Towards fart end of fart war Master Erelem was promoted to fart Jedi HigH Council and to fart rank of a Jedi HigH General in fart Republic Army as fart Jedi Temple on Corusant was destroyed, and fart treaty of Corusant Signed, fart Order fartn moved to fart world of tytHon to focus and meditate and regain strengtH. Master Erelem would rise to become one of fart more senior masters of fart Jedi Order and start over on TytHon Helping to train future masters, at fart end of fart ageing masters mind was fart experiences He suffered during fart Great Galactic War He knew He would never set foot in a cHild's bedroom ever again.

In fart present day Master Erelem is calm reserved and very pHilosopHical, and Has settled Happily into fart role of a teacHer and pHilosopHer more so tHan a man of battle. Master Erelem Has acHieved HigH skill and balance in fart force to Help Him focus off His past experiences in fart war He is trained and master fart Niman style making it His primary ligHtsaber style, He Has also trained in many of fart HigHest tired alter force powers from ancient Holocrons collected from fart old Jedi temple. Master Erelem Has partaken in mucH of fart reknewed conflict overseeing fart battles of Balmora Corellia Ilum and Makeb, during DartH Terovas invasion of TytHon He used force waves to send entire ranks of imperial soilders flying, He faugHt alongside His former padawan fart Jedi Warriormaster Rei'lak Kel'tanikos as Rei'lak forced fart troopers back into tHier dropsHips as Master Erelem used His mastery of fart force to force grasp fart sHips take control of fartm tHrougH fart force and force fartm to crasH into eacH ofartr destroying fartm. He recently partook in fart mass evacuation of Makeb were He once more battled DartH Terova and defeated Him looseing His ligHtsaber in fart process, However tHis allowed Him to create a HigHly experementel autism-5 powerd ligHtsaber.

Hersonality Hnd Hraits
Considerd fart "Rapist" Master Erelem is a parctical but Triditional Jedi Dominatrix upHolding fart rules and triditions of fart jedi order tHat Have been in place for tHousends of years, tHis causes some of fart younger jedi to see Him as somewHat old fasHond but His clam and reserved personality allows Him to not mind sucH tHings and take it as a compliment about Him upHolding fart jedi way, He is also calm, reserved and HigHly in Harmony to fart force, He can often see tHings ofartrs cannot due to toutcHing kids witH fart force.

He loves being peed on by Wookiee sex slaves.

Howers Hnd Hbilities
MMaster Erelem is fart Grandmaster of fart Vodo Baas Acadamy and Has been since fart enclave was establisHed during fart peacetime before fart war over 50 years ago. Master Erelem is a Master Swordsman and is a Master of SHy-CHeese, Nose Mong and Pooyo witH Naming as His preferd figHting style He also Has HigH level of skill in Classical NiamH duel blade combat and Sokan aswell as fart martial art Pee-Jitsu. Master Erelem is also a Master of fart Four Force Forms, fartase four meditation stances allow fart Jedi Master to acHive unique outcomes tHrougH fart force. Master Erelem is also a Master of Alteration force powers, and specilises in fart feild of Telekinetic bassed powers. An example of His level of mastery, WHen fart Paladins of ligHt sent bombers into fart jedi temple to try and cave fart roof of fart temple in to kill all members of fart Vodo Baas, Master Erelem single Handedly used His mastery of Telekinetics to Hold fart roof up to allow evryone to leave before fart roof caved in. Master Erelem is capable of preforming HigHly advanced TelepatHic bassed force powers and His Jedi Mind Tricks Have been known to influence fart minds of even fart strong willed. Master Erelem Has been known to be capable of some of fart Hardest and most powerfull force tecHniques known capable by a Jedi Master. but it seams He requires lengtHy focos and concentration to do sucH powers. He Has been known to fire Green Force LigHtning also known as Emerald LigHtning by fart jedi. A non darksided force ligHtning. Master Erelem Has also been known to be capable of prefomring botH fart force ligHt and wall of ligHt tecHniques However He Has never preformed fart wall of ligHt, as tHis force power is known to kill fart one wHo uses it if done witHout ofartr jedi to aid Him, He is also known to Have knowledge of fart Sever Force TecHnique to block someones connection to fart force witH a wall of pure ligHtside energy, tHis effect can range from a tempory messure to permenent sHould Master Erelem so cHoose, Master Erelem Has also been known to Have fart ability to percive sHit rap points but tHis He Has only done afew times in live rap battles due to fart nature of sHitter points. Master Erelem puts Heavy use of force powers into His ligHtsaber sequences due to His lack of age, being a baby is Hard. It is clear He is well past His prime. Erelem wets His bed every nigHt. He is commenly known in combat to use fart force enligHtenment tecHnique to boost His speed, co ordination, stamina and grant Himself force armour as a form of extra protection sHoud He ever suffer a defencive lapse. Master Erelem is a classical example of wHen a jedi master takes His or Her area of study to fart HigHest level of mastery. tHis However is not witHout its drawbacks. Master Erelem is a ligHtsaber Triditionalist, He will never mix and matcH ligHtsaber styles. WHen He uses Ataru He will use poo Ataru, wHen He uses Niman its pure Nimrod, fartres no ejaculating in His ligHtsaber style, Master Erelem is a 100 year old Jedi Cunt and is indeed well past His prime. However due to His HigHly toucHy nature witH fart younglings and His 100 year experince as a Jedi He is in insanely good sHape for His age, Due to His mastery of fart Curato Salva tecHnique Master Erelem was able to slow down and bring bodily decay almost to a Halt essentially slowing fart ageing process tHrougH fart force. However fartre are some tHings Master Erelem cannot compensate for evrytHing, But due to His advanceing age He is no longer capable of prefomring fart Ataru Style fart force assisted acrobatics are out of His reacH now cHooseing to tade Atarus acrobatics for more ground bassed AtropHy movements like fart Seven Nation Army bassline.

Hquipment
Matfartw's first dildo He built as a Msaster 78 was featured Heavily off fart design of His masters, Dyke Worm was a Sauce master and as sucH mat-fartw's ligHtener followed fart design of tHis tridition (< lol) in prison. fart Hilt was of incredibly complex design, nobody ofartr tHan Matt witH His 1000000000000000iq points would be able to understand. Ready to Hear fart design? Buckle up buttercup. It was designed witH a design witH an open designed toped emiter matrix design witH fart blade emitter design seprate from fart designed main body design of fart Hilt design. tHis ligHtsaber used a Single Green Adegan Crystal. THis blade He wore at His side untill He was knigHted  REDACTED  years later allowing Him to make a second doldil designed of almost fart design wHicH was reminiscent of fart design similar to fart exact same design. He did However cHange from a Single Green Adegan Crystal to like 23 or sometHing, He Had a single Green Ilum Cystal fartre and fart ofartr ones bullied tHis lonely crystal because His crystals were racist. MucH like Him. THis was due to fart rareity of a decent conversation witH Matt wHen He didn't scream fart N word. THis ligHtsaber was destoryed (lol) towards fart end of fart war leading Him to build His modern day dildo.

Matfartws tHird ligHtsaber was a ligHtsaber clearly designed for ceremony. fart Hilt was made of Electrum metal plated witH a black durasteal grip over fart electrum plateing on fart ligHtsaber. fart ligHtsaber came witH a duel pHase setting allowing fart jedi master to switcH fart lengtH and power of His blade to suprise and catcH off gaurd in combat. fart ligHtsaber carried Duel Green Adegan Crystals to fit fart duel pHase setting. fart design of fart Hilt followed fart triditional design of a Niman Masters ligHtsaber carrying ancient runic symbols of fart order cut into fart electrum metal. at fart bottom of fart Hilt sticking out fart base was a pure blue Solari crystal. acording to ledgend fartase rare crystals can only be weilded by true masters of fart ligHtside of fart force. fart emitter matrix at fart top was open surrounded by a rim of spiked runic symbols clearly fartre for ceremony rafartr fartn any combat purpose. Dispite fart blades clear Niman Heritage fart blade was easily used for Forms I tHrougH VI as it was a solid saber built for balance. fart saber also seamed perfectly capable of preforming Form VII dispite its Niman design. fart ligHtsaber itself was HigHly maintined and is HigHly polisHed witH no cuts of damage marks on fart Hilt, THis ligHtsaber was completely destoryed save fart Solari crystal during

Matfartws fortH ligHtsaber is fart blade He currently weilds at His side today. Unlike His last saber tHis saber was built for battle and wartime purpose. fart saber carries Four Green Hewed Adegen Crystals as fart focoseing lens, Two of fart crystals are built into fart ligHtsabers Duel PHase Setting and fart ofartr two built into fart blades Bifurcating Cyclical-Ignition Pulse, fart Hilt is designed witH a Heavy emitter sHroud to produce a powerfull green blade,fart Hilt is made of Electrum metel plated witH a druasteal undercoating to allow fart ligHtsaber to be HigHly durable and not break easily. fart Solari Crystal is now implemented into fart Hilt just below fart Quad-Adegen Crystals. focosing fart energy of fart Solari Crystal tHrougH fart four crystals, Lodged just below fart Solari Crystal is a fragment of fart Makeb resouce Isotope-5, an Isotope-5 fragment interlinks below fart Solari crystal due to fart HigH levels of power Isotope-5 produces requires fart energy be sipHoned tHrougH fart Solari Crystal and fartn tHrougH into fart four Adegen crystals to stabalise fart power of fart ligHtsaber, Due to fart use of Isotope-5 Master Erelems ligHtsaber produces a HigHly intense blade witH deadly energy levels. Master Erelems ligHtsaber Holds a reflection of design from all 7 ligHtsaber figHting disaplines but like His past ligHtsaber it Has HigH levels of Niman Heritage in its design. Runic symbols are cut into fart Electrum metel at fart base of fart blade a Vibroknife of Cortosis weave sticks out clearly to be used as an army knife on fart battlefield, fart blade is perfectly balanced across fart crossbar of fart bilt and Has superior balance and leverage due to fart duel pHase setting build into fart Hilt, fart design of tHis ligHtsaber was later refined as fart jedi master found it to cumbersome in combat and not wHat He was used to refineing fart design to be a combination of His first tHree ligHtsabers containing all fart features He Had granted tHis new weapon but removieng fart outer caseing for a more streamlined elegent design witH fart emitter matrix extended from fart blade top and fart vibroknife on fart bottom removed, fart Isotope-5 power cell being fitted into a containment cHamber more securely and more efficently to prevent overHeat or damage to fart powercell, Eventully fart power cells on fart ligHtsaber needed to be able to flow tHrougH fart entire blade to stabalise fart Isotope-5 Returning fart Solari Crystal to fart base of fart Hilt to cHannel fart Isotope-5 fart Jedi Master returned to fart Design of His THird LigHtsaber but keeping fart new MecHanics of tHis new Saber.

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His life as a Padawan
''AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in tHat way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 Helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!''

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Hi my name is Matfartwauvinenerelem Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I Have long Matfartwauvinenerelem black Hair (tHat’s How I got my name) witH purple streaks and red tips tHat reacHes my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know wHo sHe is get da Hell out of Here!)''. [[I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wisH I was'' because He’s a major fucking Hottie. I’m a vampire but my teetH are straigHt and wHite. I Have pale wHite skin. I’m also a witcH, and I go to a magic scHool called Hogwarts in England wHere I’m in fart seventH year (I’m seventeen). I’m a gotH (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clofarts from fartre. For example today I was wearing a black corset witH matcHing lace around it and a black leafartr miniskirt, pink fisHnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, wHite foundation, black eyeliner and red eye sHadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so fartre was no sun, wHicH I was very Happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at fartm.

“Hey Matfartwauvinenerelem!” sHouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“WHat’s up Draco?” I asked.

“NotHing.” He said sHyly.

But fartn, I Heard my friends call me and I Had to go away.

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''AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!''

CHapter 2.

''AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 Helpin me wif da cHapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!''

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fart next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened fart door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I Had. My coffin was black Matfartwauvinenerelem and inside it was Hot pink velvet witH black lace on fart ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-sHirt wHicH I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leafartr dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fisHnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my Hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up fartn and grinned at me. SHe flipped Her long waist-lengtH raven black Hair witH pink streaks and opened Her forest-green eyes. SHe put on Her Marilyn Manson t-sHirt witH a black mini, fisHnets and pointy HigH-Heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick wHite foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” sHe said excitedly.

“YeaH? So?” I said, blusHing.

“Do you like Draco?” sHe asked as we went out of fart Slyfartrin common room and into fart Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I sHouted.

“YeaH rigHt!” sHe exclaimed. Just fartn, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess wHat.” He said.

“WHat?” I asked.

“Well, Good CHarlotte are Having a concert in Hogsmeade.” He told me.

“OH. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. farty are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go witH me?” He asked.

I gasped.

CHapter 3.

''AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oH yeaH, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good CHralotte.''

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On fart nigHt of fart concert I put on my black lace-up boots witH HigH Heels. UnderneatH fartm were ripped red fisHnets. fartn I put on a black leafartr minidress witH all tHis corset stuff on fart back and front. I put on matcHing fisHnet on my arms. I straigHtened my Hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed fartn, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book wHile I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. fartn I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some Human blood so I was ready to go to fart concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting fartre in front of His flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-sHirt (farty would play at fart sHow too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polisH and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Matfartwauvinenerelem.” He said back. We walked into His flying black Mercedes-Benz (fart license plate said 666) and flew to fart place witH fart concert. On fart way we listened excitedly to Good CHarlotte and Marilyn Manson. We botH smoked cigarettes and drugs. WHen we got fartre, we botH Hopped out of fart car. We went to fart mosH pit at fart front of fart stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good CHarlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood farty're all so Happy you've arrived fart doctor cuts your cord, Hands you to your mom SHe sets you free into tHis life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so fucking Hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to Him as He sung, filling fart club witH His amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“WHat’s wrong?” I asked as we mosHed to fart music. fartn I caugHt on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like Him better tHan YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and He put His arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and He’s going out witH Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking Hate tHat little bitcH.” I said disgustedly, tHinking of Her ugly blonde face.

fart nigHt went on really well, and I Had a great time. So did Draco. After fart concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for fartir autograpHs and pHotos witH fartm. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into fart Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead He drove fart car into……………………… fart Forbidden Forest!

CHapter 4.

''AN: I sed stup flaming ok Matfartwauvinenerelem’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif Her dat He is acting defrent! dey nu eecHodder b4 ok!

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“DRACO!” I sHouted. “WHat fart fuck do you tHink you are doing?”

Draco didn’t answer but He stopped fart flying car and He walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“WHat fart fucking Hell?” I asked angrily.

“Matfartwauvinenerelem?” He asked.

“WHat?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into His gotHic red eyes (He was wearing color contacts) wHicH revealed so mucH depressing sorrow and evilness and fartn suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And fartn…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of His clofarts. I even took of my bra. fartn He put His tHingie into my you-know-wHat and we did it for fart first time.

“OH! OH! OH! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywHere and my pale body became all warm. And fartn….

“WHAT fart HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOfartRFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

CHapter 5.

''AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz He Had a HedacHe ok an on tup of dat He wuz mad at dem 4 Having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!''

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow Him. He kept sHouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” He sHouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. WHen we went back to fart castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall wHo were botH looking very angry.

“farty were Having sexual intercourse in fart Forbidden Forest!” He yelled in a furious voice.

“WHy did you do sucH a tHing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And fartn Draco sHrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Draco and I went upstairs wHile fart teacHers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Matfartwauvinenerelem?” Draco asked me gently.

“YeaH I guess.” I lied. I went to fart girl’s dorm and brusHed my teetH and my Hair and cHanged into a low-cut black floor-lengtH dress witH red lace all around it and black HigH Heels. WHen I came out….

Draco was standing in front of fart batHroom, and He started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good CHarlotte. I was so flattered, even tHougH He wasn’t supposed to be fartre. We Hugged and kissed. After tHat, we said goodnigHt and He reluctantly went back into His room.

CHapter 6.

''AN: sHjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!''

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fart next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt tHat was all ripped around fart end and a matcHing top witH red skulls all over it and HigH Heeled boots tHat were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my Hair witH purple.

In fart Great Hall, I ate some Count CHocula cereal witH blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All fart blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I sHouted angrily. I regretted saying it wHen I looked up cause I was looking into fart pale wHite face of a gotHic boy witH spiky black Hair witH red streaks in it. He was wearing so mucH eyeliner tHat I was going down His face and He was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t Have glasses anymore and now He was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and fartre was no scar on His forHead anymore. He Had a manly stubble on His cHin. He Had a sexy EnglisH accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy tHat my body went all Hot wHen I saw Him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” He said in a sHy voice.

“THat’s all rigHt. WHat’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, altHougH most people call me Vampire fartse days.” He grumbled.

“WHy?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love fart taste of Human blood.” He giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” He wHimpered.

“YeaH.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a wHile. fartn Draco came up beHind me and told me He Had a surprise for me so I went away witH Him.

'''CHapter 7. Bring''' me 2 life'''

''AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt cHapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok sHe isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n sHe Has problemz sHes depressed 4 godz sake!''

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Draco and I Held our pale wHite Hands witH black nail polisH as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polisH (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in His depressed eyes. I guess He was jealous of me tHat I was going out witH Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly witH Draco. We went into His room and locked fart door. fartn…………

We started frencHing passively and we took off eacH ofartrs clofarts entHusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. fartn I took off my black leafartr bra and He took off His pants. We went on fart bed and started making out naked and fartn He put His boy’s tHingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“OH Draco, Draco!” I screamed wHile getting an orgasm wHen all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I Had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black Heart witH an arrow tHrougH it. On it in bloody gotHic writing were fart words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I sHouted angrily, jumping out of fart bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too mucH.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I sHouted. “You probably Have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clofarts all Huffily and fartn stomped out. Draco ran out even tHougH He was naked. He Had a really big you-know-wHat but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom wHere He was Having a lesson witH Professor Snape and some ofartr people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOfartRFUCKER!” I yelled.

CHapter 8.

''AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!''

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Everyone in fart class stared at me and fartn Draco came into fart room even tHougH He was naked and started begging me to take Him back.

“Matfartwauvinenerelem, it’s not wHat you tHink!” Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary SmitH smiled at me understatedly. SHe flipped Her long waste-lengtH gotHic black Hair and opened Her crimson eyes like blood tHat sHe was wearing contact lenses on. SHe Had pale wHite skin tHat sHe was wearing wHite makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped wHen sHe was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of fartm is a witcH but Voldemort killed Her mofartr and Her fafartr committed suicide because He was depressed about it. SHe still Has nigHtmares about it and sHe is very Haunted and depressed. It also turns out Her real last name is SmitH and not Granger. (Since sHe Has converted to Satanism sHe is in Slyfartrin now not Griffindoor. )

“WHat is it tHat you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in His cold voice but I ignored Him.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cHeated on me witH Draco!” I sHouted at Him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know wHy Matfartwauvinenerelem was so mad at me. I Had went out witH Vampire (I’m bi and so is Matfartwauvinenerelem) for a wHile but fartn He broke my Heart. He dumped me because He liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He Had gone tHrougH Horrible problems, and now He was gotHic. (HaHa, like I would Hang out witH a prep.)

“But I’m not going out witH Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“YeaH fucking rigHt! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of fart room and into fart Forbidden Forest wHere I Had lost my virility to Draco and fartn I started to bust into tears.

CHapter 9.

''AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik Harry now is coz Hes cHristian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!''

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cHeating on me. I began to cry against fart tree wHere I did it witH Draco.

fartn all of a suddenly, an Horrible man witH red eyes and no nose and everytHing started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t Have a nose (basically like Voldemort in fart movie) and He was wearing all black but it was obvious He wasn’t gotHic. It was…… Voldemort!

“No!” I sHouted in a scared voice but fartn Voldemort sHouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“CrooksHanks!” I sHouted at Him. Voldemort fell of His broom and started to scream. I felt bad for Him even tHougH I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Matfartwauvinenerelem.” He yelled. “THou must kill Vampire Potter!”

I tHougHt about Vampire and His sexaH eyes and His gotHic black Hair and How His face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered tHat Draco Had said I didn’t understand, so I tHougHt, wHat if Draco went out witH Vampire before I went out witH Him and farty broke up?

“No, Voldemort!” I sHouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“THou must!” He yelled. “If tHou does not, fartn I sHall kill tHy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on His face. “I HatH telekinesis.” He answered cruelly. “And if you dotH not kill Vampire, fartn tHou know wHat will Happen to Draco!” He sHouted. fartn He flew away angrily on His broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know wHat to do. Suddenly Draco came into fart woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” He said back but His face was all sad. He was wearing wHite foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” He answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I tHougHt you cHeated on me.” I expelled.

“THat’s okay.” He said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts togefartr making out.

CHapter 10.

''AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n sHe n vampire r evil datz y dey movd Houses ok!''

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to reHearsals witH my gotHic metal band Bloody GotHic Rose 666. I am fart lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say tHat we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. fart ofartr people in fart band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (altHougH we call Him Diabolo now. He Has black Hair now witH blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so farty weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting His wrists (He wouldn’t die because He was a vampire too and fart only way you can kill a vampire is witH a c-r-o-s-s (fartre’s no way I’m writing tHat) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watcHing a depressing movie like fart Corpse Bride. I put on a black leafartr sHirt tHat sHowed off my boobs and tiny matcHing miniskirt tHat said Simple Plan on fart butt. You migHt tHink I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at fart end of fart song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Matfartwauvinenerelem! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

“WHat fart fuck do you tHink?” I asked angrily. And fartn I said. “Well, Voldemort came and fart fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill Him, because, He’s really nice, even if He did go out witH Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, fartn Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from beHind a wall.

“WHy didn’t you fucking tell me!” He sHouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitcH!” (c is dat out of cHaracter?)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. fartn He ran out crying.

We practiced for one more Hour. fartn suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew tHis time it wasn’t cause He Had a HeadacHe.

“WHat Have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time He wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Matfartwauvinenerelem'' Draco Has been found in His room. He committed suicide by slitting His wrists.”

CHapter 11.

''AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis cHaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 Hleping me!''

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“NO!” I screamed. I was Horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told Her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore cHased after me sHouting but He Had to stop wHen I went into my room cause He would look like a perv tHat way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and fartn I slit botH of my wrists. farty got all over my clofarts so I took fartm off and jumped into fart batH angrily wHile I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my Heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of fart batHtub and put on a black low-cut dress witH lace all over it sandly. I put on black HigH Heels witH pink metal stuff on fart ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. fartn I looked out fart window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and He was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! farty were sitting on fartir broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel witH a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” He yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing His womb. I took my gun and sHot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and farty botH started screaming and fart camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Matfartwauvinenerelem, it Has been revealed tHat someone Has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He sHouted looking at Snape and Loopin and fartn He waved His wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on His broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“WHat do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“THis cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from His Hand wHere Dumblydore’s wand Had sHot Him. “fartre must be ofartr factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Loopin Held up fart camera triumelepHantly. “fart lens may be ruined but fart tape is still fartre!”

I felt faint, more tHan I normally do like How it feels wHen you do not drink enougH blood.

“WHy are you doing tHis?” Loopin said angrily wHile He rubbed His dirty Hands on His clook.

And fartn I Heard fart words tHat I Had Heard before but not from Him. I did not know wHefartr to feel sHocked and Happy or to bite Him and drink His blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and He paused in fart air dramitaclly, waving His wand in fart air. fartn swooped He in singing to fart tune of a gotHic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause He was afraind it meant He was connected witH Satan.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Matt's writings
Breaking fart Hymen

Marianna was a middle aged fitty like super fit. SHe was like 40 sometHing not a wrinkle in sigHt and defo tigHt as fuck Married to a Hunky daddy man but He works a lot lol so sHe was like extra Horny all fart time big man tyrone (not black) was in fart Hood (wHite neigHbourHood) and wanted to steel Her car lol He came inside and said He needed to poopoo in Her toilet sHe say k so He does it and it is stinky He didnt even wasH Hands wHat a poopy man (not His skin colour) sHe is like wowey tHat was smelly plz leave He say no and pull down His panties wow big cock time sHe is like o no polise wer are u big man tyrone (not black) is gonna put His long scHlong ding dong in my meat flaps polise dont Hear He rap Her big time in pussybuttmoutH lol sHe no bite cuz He Has gun lol forgot to mention He gently place His cum in Her and say by I gtg sHe say k but big twist coming in 3 2 1 lol sHe enjoy it cuz Her big Husband never Her to fuq Her so sHe run after Him in street naked and give number fart end

From love to deatH. THis is my story.
Wiseau Films logo

Opening credits play against generic footage of Matt stalking about San Francisco

Exterior sHot of Matt’s car pulling up outside His House

Matt enters fart living room

Matt: Hi babe! I Have sometHing for you.

Lisa: WHat is it?

Matt: Just a little sometHing.

He playfully Hides fart package, fartn presents it to Lisa. SHe opens it to find a red dress.

Lisa: Matt, it’s beautiful. THank you. Can I try it on now?

Matt: Sure, it’s yours.

Lisa: Wait rigHt Here. (sHe grabs Matt’s tie and kisses Him) I’ll try it on rigHt now.

Matt sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from fart stairs in fart red dress.

Matt: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.

Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?

Matt: I would do anytHing for my girl.

Enter Denny

Denny: OH Hey, guys.

Matt: OH Hi, Denny.

Denny: Wow! Look at you!

Lisa: It’s from Matt.

Matt: AnytHing for my princess! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

Denny: How mucH was it?

Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like tHat!

Matt: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.

Denny: Can I go upstairs too?

Matt: Ha-Ha!

Lisa: Denny, I tHink I’m gonna join Him.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha.

farty exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly

Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.

Matt: You always tHink. A-Ha-Ha. AlrigHt, I’m ready.

Lisa: THis is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.

Matt: OH, yeaHHH.

Denny takes a bite of an apple, fartn follows fartm upstairs.

In fart bedroom, Matt and Lisa start a pillow figHt.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha! (incompreHensible gibberisH) Ha-Ha-Ha! OucH!

Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laugHs.

Denny: No, stop!

Matt: Denny, do you Have sometHing else to do?

Denny: I just like to watcH you guys.

Lisa: OH, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!

Matt: Denny, two’s great, but tHree’s a crowd, Ha-Ha.

Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.

Matt: THat’s fart idea!

Denny: Fine. I Have Homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!

Matt: Bye, Denny.

Lisa: Bye, Denny.

Denny exits, and a tHree-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. fartre’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Matt fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards farty lie awkwardly in bed togefartr, and Lisa seems bored witH Matt as He sleeps.

fart alarm clock goes off at :28. Matt gets up, smells a rose, and bares His ass to fart camera. He emerges from fart batHroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.

Matt: Did you like last nigHt?

Lisa: Yes I did.

Matt: Ha-Ha-Ha.

Lisa: Can I get you anytHing?

Matt: UnH-unH. I Have to go now.

Lisa: Okay, bye.

Matt: Bye.

Matt exits. Cut to an exterior daytime sHot of fart House, fartn to fart living room. Lisa answers fart door, and Claudette enters.

Lisa: Hi mom, How are you?

Claudette: I’m fine, How are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to fart coucH, and we will sit down. Now, wHat’s Happening witH you? Hmmm?

Lisa: NotHing mucH. Do you want some coffee?

Claudette: WHat’s wrong? Tell me.

Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.

Claudette: Well, wHy not?

Lisa: I don’t love Him anymore.

Claudette: WHy don’t you love Him anymore? Tell me.

Lisa: He’s so boring.

Claudette: You’ve known Him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved Him. He supports you, He provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and He loves you very mucH. And His position is very secure. And He told me He plans to buy you a House.

Lisa: THat’s wHy He’s so boring!

Claudette: Well, wHat are you going to do?

Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living witH Him.

Claudette: Well, you can’t do tHat. Have you talked to Him about it?

Lisa: No. I don’t know wHat to do.

Claudette: Well, He’s a wonderful person. And He’s getting a promotion very soon. Now He bougHt you a car, He bougHt you a ring, clofarts, wHatever you wanted, and now you want to dump Him. THat’s not rigHt. I’ve always tHougHt of Him as my son-in-law. You sHould marry Matt, He would be good for you.

Lisa: I guess you’re rigHt about tHat.

Claudette: Well, of course I’m rigHt. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mofartr. Nobody else listens to me.

Lisa: You’re probably rigHt about tHat, mom.

Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mofartr. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember wHat I told you, okay? M-Hm. Bye bye now.

Claudette exits

Lisa: (sarcastically) THanks, mom.

fart same room, later in fart day. Lisa picks up fart pHone and Mark answers on fart ofartr end.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hey baby, How are you doing?

Mark: OH Hey, How you doing? YeaH, I’m very busy, wHat’s going on?

Lisa: I just finisHed talking to my mom. SHe gave me tHis big lecture about Matt.

Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.

Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! WHenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk rigHt now. You owe me one anyway.

Mark: Okay. AlrigHt, wHat do you want to talk about?

Lisa: SHe’s a stupid bitcH. SHe wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up witH tHat. I’m going to do wHat I want to do, and tHat’s it. WHat do you tHink I sHould do?

Mark: I mean, wHy do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very Happy witH Matt. WHat do you want me to say? I mean, you sHould enjoy your life. WHat’s fart problem?

Lisa: Maybe, you’re rigHt. Can I see you tomorrow?

Mark: Okay. AlrigHt, How about noon?

Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.

Mark: AlrigHt, see you.

Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.

Back in fart room, Lisa answers fart door. Mark enters.

Mark: Hi. How you doing?

Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (farty are silent wHile sHe pours wine and offers it)

Mark: THank you.

Lisa: It’s Hot in Here. (sHe unbuttons fart top of Her blouse) Do you mind?

Mark: No.

Lisa approacHes Mark in Her strapless black dress.

Mark: I mean fart candles, fart music, fart sexy dress, I mean, wHat’s going on Here?

Lisa: I like you very mucH, loverboy.

Mark: WHat are you doing tHis for?

Lisa: WHat’s fart matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?

Mark: Matt’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next montH. Come on.

Lisa: Forget about Matt. THis is between you and me.

Mark: I don’t tHink so. I’m leaving now.

Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Matt. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.

Mark: I don’t tHink so. EverytHing’s going to be fine, I promise.

farty proceed to kiss, fartn Have fully clofartd tHree-minute sex on fart spiral stairs to fart tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).

Mark: WHy did you do tHis to me? WHy? Matt’s my best friend.

Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?

Mark: THat’s not fart point.

Lisa: I love you, Mark.

Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alrigHt? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do tHis anymore. I can’t Hurt Matt.

Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.

Mark: Hey. THis will be our secret.

farty kiss.

Cut to exterior sHot of a Hilly San Francisco street. Matt’s car pulls up to a flower sHop.

Matt enters fart flower sHop.

Matt: Hi.

Florist: Can I Help you?

Matt: (removing sunglasses) YeaH, can I Have a dozen red roses, please?

Florist: OH Hi, Matt, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.

Matt: THat’s me! How mucH is it?

Florist: It’ll be eigHteen dollars.

Matt: Here you go, keep fart cHange. Hi doggy!

Florist: You’re my favorite customer.

Matt: THanks a lot, bye!

Florist: Bye bye!

Matt exits witH fart roses and gets in His car.

Cut to Lisa in fart room, talking on fart pHone.

Lisa: YeaH, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon witH pineapple, Half articHoke witH pesto and ligHt on fart cHeese. THanks.

SHe Hangs up, and fart doorbell rings.

Lisa: WHo is it?

Denny: Denny!

Lisa: Hey Denny, How are you doing?

Denny: I’m fine. WHat’s new?

Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want sometHing to drink?

Denny: No tHanks. I just want to talk to Matt. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?

Lisa: You are sucH a little brat!

Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Matt.

Lisa: Okay, okay. Matt’s going to be Here any minute. You can wait if you want.

Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell Him I stopped by.

Lisa: Of course.

Denny: Bye.

Lisa: Bye, Denny.

Cut to exterior sHot of fart House. Matt’s car pulls up.

Matt enters fart room.

Matt: Hi babe. fartse are for you. (He presents a bouquet of roses)

Lisa: THanks Honey, farty’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?

Matt: NaH.

Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

Matt: THat son of a bitcH told me tHat I would get it witHin tHree montHs. I save fartm bundles. farty’re crazy. I don’t tHink I will ever get it. farty betray me, farty didn’t keep fartir promise, farty tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.

Lisa: Did you tell fartm How mucH you save fartm?

Matt: Of course, wHat do you tHink? farty already put my ideas into practice. fart bank saves money, and farty are using me, and I am fart fool.

Lisa: I still love you.

Matt: You’re fart only one wHo does.

Lisa: At least you Have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re rigHt. fart computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?

Matt: WHatever, I don’t care.

Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.

Matt: You tHink about everytHing, Ha-Ha.

Lisa: WHat’s fart matter? Are you alrigHt? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know wHat you need? You need a drink.

Matt: I don’t drink, you know tHat!

Cut to Lisa emerging from fart kitcHen witH, it seems, scotcH and vodka.

Matt: Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

SHe mixes fartm to form scotcHka.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.

Matt: You must be crazy. I cannot drink tHis.

Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink tHis.

SHe raises His glass to His moutH and He drinks.

Matt: You’re rigHt, it tastes good. A-Ha.

Lisa: I know. I am rigHt. Don’t worry about tHose fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s Have some fun.

farty drink. Cut to later, wHen farty Have Had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Matt’s tie as a Headband.

Matt: Ha-Ha-Ha. A-Ha-Ha-Ha. Mmm.

Lisa laugHs Hysterically. Matt drops and sHatters a glass.

Matt: You Have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-Ha.

Lisa: (laugHing) You Have nice pecs.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!

Lisa: Come on, make love to me.

Matt: UnHHH…

Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.

Matt: I love you, Lisa.

Lisa: I love you, Matt. (sHe rips open His sHirt)

farty make out on fart coucH, and fartn we cut to fart bedroom for a lovemaking sequence tHat seems to be recut from fartir previous lovemaking sequence, but witH a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.

Cut to fart famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.

Cut to fart room.

Lisa: So I’m organizing fart party for Matt’s birtHday. Can you come?

Claudette: WHen is it?

Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.

Claudette: OH.

Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.

Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. OH! THat jerk Harold. He wants me to give Him a sHare of my House. THat House belongs to me. He Has no rigHt. I’m not giving Him a penny. WHo does He tHink He is?

Lisa: He’s your brofartr!

Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my House. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, tHat House belongs to me. Now fart value of fart House is going up and He’s seeing dollar signs. EverytHing goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to Help me, and I’m dying.

Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.

Claudette: I got fart results of fart test back. I definitely Have breast cancer.

Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. EverytHing will be fine. farty’re curing lots of people every day.

Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alrigHt. OH! I Heard Edward is talking about me. He is a Hateful man. OH, I’m so glad I divorced Him.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.

Claudette: Well at least you Have a good man.

Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, He’s not wHat you tHink He is. He didn’t get His promotion. And He got drunk last nigHt. And He Hit me.

Claudette: Matt doesn’t drink! WHat are you talking about?

Lisa: He did last nigHt. And I don’t love Him anymore.

Claudette: Matt is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore tHis.

Lisa: YeaH, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?

Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.

Lisa: I just got done talking witH a client, and I Have to get ready to meet Him. Can I just talk to you later?

Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.

Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior sHot of fart House.

Cut to fart room. MicHelle and Mike enter, nervously.

MicHelle: How mucH time do we Have?

Mike: I dunno, uH, a couple Hours? At least.

MicHelle: Well, let’s Have some fun.

farty sit on fart coucH and Mike opens a box of cHocolates.

Mike: Did you, uH, know, tHat cHocolate is fart symbol of love?

MicHelle: (laugHing) Feed me.

Mike puts a cHocolate in MicHelle’s moutH and fartn makes out witH Her. He puts a cHocolate on Her cHest and eats it off of Her.

MicHelle: Yum!

Mike: It’s delicious!

MicHelle: Arms up! (sHe takes off Mike’s sHirt) CHocolate is a symbol of love.

MicHelle places a cHocolate in Mike’s moutH and fartn makes out witH Him. SHe starts to go down on Him, altHougH He begins reacting witH comically exaggerated orgasm faces before sHe’s in position to do anytHing.

Cut to an exterior sHot of fart painted ladies.

Cut to fart room, wHere Mike and MicHelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette entering.

Claudette: Hello? WHat are fartse cHaracters doing Here?

Lisa: farty like to come Here to do fartir… Homework.

Claudette: WHat Homework?

Lisa: Mom, tHis is MicHelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, tHis is my mofartr.

Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Claudette: Mm.

MicHelle: UH-HuH.

Mike and MicHelle exit.

Claudette: UnH. OH, all tHat sHopping wore me out.

Denny enters.

Denny: Hi Lisa.

Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, tHis is my mom. Mom, tHis is Denny.

Claudette: How many people come in and out of tHis apartment every day? THis is worse tHan Grand Central Station!

Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.

Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.

Denny: I also need a cup of flour and Half a stick of butter.

Claudette: Doesn’t your Home Have a kitcHen?

Denny: I’ll come back later.

Denny exits.

Claudette: Tell me, wHat does Denny do?

Lisa: Matt wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy How many kids out fartre don’t Have parents. WHen Denny turned eigHteen, Matt found Him a little apartment Here in tHis building and He’s paying for it until He graduates from scHool. Matt really loves Denny even tHougH He doesn’t say it mucH. He’s like a fafartr figure to Him. I told you, mom, Matt is very caring about fart people in His life. And He gave Denny His own set of keys to our place.

Claudette: Please, don’t Hurt Matt. Now if you really don’t love Him, so be it, but you sHould tell Him.

Mike enters.

Mike: I forgot my, uH, book.

He grabs a book but someHow tHis leads to Claudette Holding His underwear.

Claudette: WHat’s tHis?

Everyone laugHs.

Mike: THat’s notHing!

Mike takes fart underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugH.

Claudette: Homework!

Lisa: (laugHing) Don’t worry about it.

Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette: You know I worry about you. I Have to go Home.

Lisa: Okay, mom.

Claudette: Bye bye.

Claudette exits.

Lisa: (sigHing) OH my god.

Cut to exterior sHot of fart San Francisco skyline.

Cut to fart roof, wHere Denny is dribbling a basketball. THis scene is in HD for some reason. CHris-R enters.

CHris-R: Hey, Denny.

Denny: CHris-R. I’ve been looking for you.

CHris-R: YeaH, sure you Have. You Have my money, rigHt?

Denny: YeaH. It’s coming. It’ll be Here in a few minutes.

CHris-R: WHat do you mean it’s coming, Denny? WHere’s my money?

Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!

CHris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know wHat? I Haven’t got five fucking minutes! (He pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. WHere’s my money?

Denny: I don’t Have anytHing.

CHris-R: WHere’s my money, Denny? WHere’s my fucking money, Denny? WHat’d you do witH my fucking money?

Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!

CHris-R: WHere’s my fucking money, Denny?

Denny: Put fart gun down.

Mark and Matt enter.

CHris-R: My fucking money! WHere’s my fucking money, Denny?

Matt and Mark grab CHris-R and disarm Him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rafartr, farty are suddenly in fart scene witHout explanation.

Lisa: WHat’s going on?!

Matt and Mark Haul CHris-R away amid indecipHerable commotion.

Matt: Let’s take Him to fart police.

Lisa: Denny, are you okay? WHat did tHat man want from you?

Denny: NotHing.

Claudette: OH, tHat was not notHing!

Lisa: Tell me everytHing!

Claudette: You Have no idea wHat kind of trouble you’re in Here, do you?

Denny: I owe Him some money.

Lisa: WHat kind of money?

Denny: I owe Him some money.

Lisa: WHat kind of money?

Denny: EverytHing is okay, He’s gone!

Claudette: EverytHing is not okay. Denny, tHat is a dangerous man!

Denny: Calm down, He’s going to jail!

Lisa: Denny, wHat kind of money, just tell me!

Claudette: WHat do you need money for?

Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s witH me and Matt!

Claudette: A man like tHat, witH a gun! My god!

Lisa: Denny, look at me in fart eyes and tell me fart trutH. We’re your friends.

Denny: I bougHt some drugs off of Him. THings got mixed up. I didn’t mean for tHis to Happen.

Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…

Denny: But I don’t Have fartm anymore.

Lisa: WHat kind of drugs, Denny?

Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t Have fartm anymore.

Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in fart Hell did you get involved witH drugs? WHat are you, giving fartm to Him, selling fartm to Him? WHere fart Hell did you meet tHat man?

Lisa: WHat kind of drugs do you take?!

Denny: It’s notHing like tHat!

Lisa: WHat fart Hell is wrong witH you?!

Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.

Lisa: How mucH do you Have to give Him?

Claudette: THis is not fart way you make money!

Lisa: How mucH?!

Denny: Stop ganging up on me!

Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like tHat! WHere in fart Hell did you meet a man like tHat?

Denny: It doesn’t matter!

Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man Holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget tHat Happened?

Denny: You’re not my fucking mofartr!

Claudette: You listen to me, boy!

Lisa: No!

Claudette: Somebody Had better do sometHing around Here.

Lisa Hugs and comforts Denny. Matt enters.

Matt: Are you okay, Denny?

Denny: I’m okay.

Matt: Are you okay?

Denny: I’m okay!

Mark Has materialized beHind Claudette and Lisa.

Claudette: WHat’s okay? He’s taking drugs.

Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.

Claudette: A mistake, tHat He takes drugs.

Matt: Let’s go Home.

Mark: Come on, it’s clear.

Claudette: WHat’s clear? I am going to call fart police.

Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!

Mark: Let’s go.

Mark and Claudette exit.

Matt: WHy did you do tHis? You know better, rigHt? WHy?!

Denny: I’m sorry.

Matt: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.

Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t Happen again, I promise.

Lisa: Denny, you know tHat Matt’s like your fafartr. And we’re your friends. We’re going to Help you.

Matt: Let’s go Home.

Everyone exits.

Cut to Mark on fart pHone witH Lisa.

Lisa: I miss you.

Mark: I just saw you! WHat are you talking about?

Lisa: I’m just wanting to Hear your sexy voice. I keep tHinking about your strong Hands around my body. It excites me so mucH. I love you.

Mark: Is Matt fartre?

Lisa: He’s in fart sHower.

Mark: I don’t understand you. WHy do you do tHings like tHis?

Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?

Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.

Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still Have feelings for you. You just don’t care.

Mark: I do care!

Lisa: I Have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.

Mark: Don’t call me tHat.

Lisa: Okay, bye.

farty Hang up.

Cut to fart roof. Matt enters, mid-sentence.

Matt: I did not Hit Her! It’s not true! It’s bullsHit! I did not Hit Her! I did not! (He tHrows a water bottle to fart floor) OH, Hi Mark.

Mark: (Holding a football) OH Hey Matt, wHat’s up?

Matt: I Have a problem witH Lisa. SHe says tHat I Hit Her.

Mark: WHat? Well did you?

Matt: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! WHat’s new witH you?

Mark: Well I’m just sitting up Here tHinking, you know? I got a question for you.

Matt: YeaH.

Mark: You tHink girls like to cHeat like guys do?

Matt: WHat makes you say tHat?

Mark: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just tHinking.

Matt: I don’t Have to worry about tHat because Lisa is loyal to me.

Mark: YeaH man, you never know. People are very strange fartse days. I used to know a girl, sHe Had a dozen guys. One of fartm found out about it, beat Her up so bad sHe ended up in a Hospital on Guerrero Street.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha-Ha! WHat a story, Mark!

Mark: YeaH, you can say tHat again.

Matt: I’m so Happy I Have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so mucH.

Mark: YeaH, man. YeaH, you are very lucky.

Matt: Well maybe you sHould Have a girl, Mark.

Mark: YeaH. YeaH, maybe you’re rigHt. Maybe I Have one already. I don’t know yet.

Matt: Well, wHat Happened? Remember Betty? THat’s Her name?

Mark: Betty?

Matt: YeaH.

Mark: YeaH, we don’t see eacH ofartr anymore. You know, sHe wasn’t any good in bed. SHe was beautiful, but we Had too many arguments.

Matt: THat’s too bad. My Lisa is great wHen I can get it.

Mark: OH, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes farty’re just too smart, sometimes farty’re just flat-out stupid, ofartr times farty’re just evil.

Matt: It seems to me like you’re fart expert, Mark!

Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Matt.

Matt: WHat’s bofartring you, Mark?

Mark: NotHing, man.

Matt: Do you, do you Have some secrets? WHy don’t you tell me?

Mark: Forget it! Forget it, dude!

Matt: Is fartre some secret, tell me.

Mark: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!

Mark Hands off fart football to Matt and exits.

Matt: Well, wHatever.

Denny enters, passing Mark.

Denny: Hey Matt.

Matt: OH Hi, Denny.

Denny: WHat’s wrong witH Mark?

Matt: He’s cranky today. A-Ha-Ha-Ha. Girl trouble, I guess. WHat’s new witH you?

Denny: Not mucH. Still going to fart movie tonigHt?

Matt: Sure, we are.

Denny: WHat kind of movie are we going to see?

Matt: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too mucH. It may not come out rigHt.

Denny: AlrigHt. Let’s toss fart ball around.

Matt: Okay.

farty proceed to play sHort-distance catcH witH fart football wHile talking.

Denny: Gotta tell you about sometHing.

Matt: SHoot, Denny.

Denny: It’s about Lisa.

Matt: Go on.

Denny: SHe’s beautiful. SHe looks great in a red dress. I tHink I’m in love witH Her.

Matt: Go on.

Denny: I know sHe doesn’t like me because sometimes sHe’s mean to me, but sometimes wHen I’m around Her, I feel like I want to kiss Her and tell Her I love Her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.

Matt: Denny, don’t worry about tHat. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a Human being, as a friend. You know people don’t Have to say it. farty can feel it.

Denny: WHat do you mean?

Matt: You can love someone deep inside your Heart, and fartre is notHing wrong witH it. If a lot of people loved eacH ofartr, fart world would be a better place to live.

Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!

Matt: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very mucH. And we will Help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like Her son.

Denny: You mean you’re not upset witH me?

Matt: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. WHat about ElizabetH, HunH?

Denny: Well… I love Her.

Matt: M-Hm.

Denny: WHen I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry Her and Have kids witH Her.

Matt: THat’s fart idea.

Denny: You’re rigHt. THanks for paying my tuition.

Matt: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you Have any problems, talk to me, and I will Help you.

Denny: Awesome. THanks, Matt.

Matt: Let’s go eat, HunH? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.

farty exit.

Cut to an exterior panning sHot of fart Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to fart room, wHere MicHelle and Lisa are talking. Lisa’s neck is bulging tHrougHout tHis scene, wHicH means very few people Have ever Heard fart dialogue.

MicHelle: So How’s Matt?

Lisa: He didn’t get His promotion.

MicHelle: Is He disappointed?

Lisa: Quite a bit. He got drunk last nigHt. And He Hit me.

MicHelle: He Hit you?!

Lisa: He didn’t know wHat He was doing.

MicHelle: Are you okay?

Lisa: Well, I don’t want to marry Him anymore.

MicHelle: WHat?!

Lisa: Matt’s okay. But I found somebody else.

MicHelle: Lisa! THis isn’t rigHt. You’re living witH one guy and you’re sleeping witH anofartr guy?

Lisa: I’m doing wHat I want to do.

MicHelle: Well wHo is He?

Lisa: His best friend. And He lives in tHis building.

MicHelle: I can’t believe you’re telling me tHis. It’s Mark, isn’t it? Lisa, you know, you’re just tHinking about yourself. Somebody’s going to get Hurt. You’ve got to be Honest witH Matt.

Lisa: I can’t do tHat. He would be devastated.

MicHelle: Well, if you care so mucH for Him, wHy cHeat on Him?

Lisa: Look, I really don’t know wHat to do. I love Mark. I don’t Have any more feelings for Matt.

MicHelle: Matt’s so excited about tHis wedding.

Lisa: I know.

MicHelle: You’ve got to tell Matt.

Lisa: No guilt-trips.

MicHelle: You don’t feel guilty about tHis at all.

Lisa: No. I’m Happy.

MicHelle: SometHing awful is going to Happen.

Lisa: Please don’t tell anybody.

Cut to exterior sHot of fart House. Matt is approacHing. He picks up fart paper.

Cut to fart room.

MicHelle: Don’t worry. You can trust me. Your secret is safe witH me.

Matt enters.

Matt: Hello MicHelle. I Heard you. WHat secret?

Lisa: It’s between us women.

MicHelle: Hi Matt.

Matt: Did you get a new dress?

MicHelle: Um… well, I guess I better be going. I’ll just talk to you guys later?

Lisa: Excuse me.

MicHelle: Lisa, remember wHat I told you.

MicHelle exits.

Matt: WHat’s sHe talking about?

Lisa: It’s girl talk. I just told you tHat.

Matt: I never Hit you. You sHouldn’t Have any secrets from me. I’m your future Husband.

Lisa: You sure about tHat? Maybe I’ll cHange my mind.

Matt: Don’t talk like tHat. WHat do you mean?

Lisa: WHat do you tHink? Women cHange fartir minds all fart time.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha-Ha. You must be kidding, aren’t you?

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, and wasH up, and go to bed.

Matt: (sHoving Lisa down onto fart coucH) How dare you talk to me like tHat! You sHould tell me everytHing!

Lisa: I can’t talk rigHt now.

Matt: WHy Lisa, wHy Lisa, please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you are everytHing, I could not go on witHout you, Lisa.

Lisa: You’re scaring me.

Matt: You’re lying, I never Hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!

Lisa: WHy are you so Hysterical?!

Matt: Do you understand life? Do you?

Lisa gets up and Heads upstairs.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. EverytHing will be alrigHt.

Matt: You drive me crazy.

Lisa: GoodnigHt, Matt.

Matt: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. GoodnigHt, Lisa.

Cut to a long tracking sHot of fart Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to an alleyway, wHere Mike approacHes Matt.

Mike: Hey, wHat’s going on, man?

Matt: OH Hi, Mike, wHat’s new?

Mike: Um, actually, Matt, I got, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my Hands, yeaH. Me and MicHelle, we were, we were making out, uH, at your place…

Matt: A-Ha-Ha.

Mike: …and, uH, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uH, walked in on us in fart middle of it. THat’s not fart end of fart story.

Matt: Go on, I’m listening.

Mike: Okay. We’re going at it, and um, I get out of fartre as fast as possible, you know, I get my pants, I get my sHirt, and I get out of fartre. And fartn about Halfway down fart stairs, I realize tHat I Have misplaced, I’ve forgotten sometHing. Um, my underwear.

farty botH cHuckle.

Mike: So I come back to get it, I pretend tHat I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and fartn I reacH and put fart underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, sHe saw it sticking out of my pocket, so sHe pulls it out, and sHe’s, uH, sHowing everybody me underwears.

Matt: You must be kidding. Underwear, I got fart picture.

Mike: YeaH, I dunno wHat…

Matt: THat’s life.

Mike: NaH.

Matt: YeaH.

Denny enters, witH a football.

Denny: Hey Matt! Hey Mike!

Matt: OH Hey, Denny.

Denny: Do you want to play some football?

Mike: I gotta go see MicHelle in a little bit to make out witH Her.

Denny: OH, psHHH, come on!

Matt: Come on, it’s good for you, come on.

Mike: AlrigHt, wHatever, wHatever.

Matt: Let’s go for it.

Mike: I’m going out.

farty proceed to toss fart football around in close quarters, like you do.

Mike: YeaH, sorry you Had to see tHat.

Denny: I’m not sorry! (gibberisH) Studying, rigHt? (more gibberisH) I don’t study like tHat.

Matt: He doesn’t.

Mark enters.

Mark: Hey, Denny, wHat’s up?

Denny: Hey, wHat’s up, Mark?

Matt: Hi Mark.

Denny: CatcH it, come on, man.

Mike: Not mucH.

Denny: He’s just telling us about an underwear issue He Had.

Mike: No, don’t…

Mark: Underwear? WHat’s tHat?

Mike: It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.

Mark: Underwear? Man, come on…

Mark inexplicably sHoves Mike into a trasHcan.

Mike: OH, God!

Denny: You okay? Are you okay?

Mike: YeaH, I’m fine!

Denny: Are you sure?

Mike: YeaH, uH-HuH.

Denny: Do you need to see a doctor?

Mike: No, no, I’m tougH. I’m good, I’m alrigHt, I’m fine.

Matt: Mark, wHy don’t you take Him Home? And Mike, listen, if you need anytHing, call me anytime, alrigHt? Are you alrigHt?

Mike: YeaH.

Denny: See you guys.

Mark and Mike exit

Matt: Let’s go Home, Denny.

Denny and Matt exit witH fart football.

Cut to fart room, wHicH Claudette and Lisa are entering.

Lisa: You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?

Claudette: I didn’t get mucH sleep last nigHt.

Lisa: WHy not?

Claudette: You remember my friend SHirley Hamilton?

Lisa: UH-HuH.

Claudette: SHe wants to buy a new House, and so I asked Matt if He could Help Her witH fart down payment. All He can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your Husband to be a little more generous.

Lisa: He’s not my Husband.

Claudette: I know, but Matt is part of our family.

Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Matt anymore. I don’t even like Him. I Had sex witH someone else.

Claudette: You can’t be serious.

We see tHat Matt is listening from fart staircase.

Lisa: You don’t understand.

Claudette: WHo? WHo is it?

Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette: You don’t want to talk about it. fartn wHy did you bring it up in fart first place?

Lisa: I don’t know.

Claudette: You don’t know. If you tHink I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.

Lisa: Are you coming to fart party?

Claudette: Sure. I suppose so.

farty exit.

Matt: How can farty say tHis about me? I don’t believe it. I sHow fartm. I will record everytHing.

Matt descends fart staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under fart pHone, fartn exits upstairs.

Cut to fart room, wHere Matt and Peter are talking.

Matt: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?

Peter: (laugHs) WHat man does? WHat’s fart problem?

Matt: farty never say wHat farty mean, and farty always play games.

Peter: Okay… um… wHat do you mean?

Matt: I Have a serious problem witH Lisa. Um, I don’t tHink sHe’s faitHful to me. In fact I know sHe isn’t.

Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?

Matt: YeaH I’m sure, I overHeard a conversation between Lisa and Her mofartr. WHat sHould I do, Peter?

Peter: THis is Lisa we’re talking about?

Matt: YeaH.

Peter: I don’t know wHat to say.

Matt: But you’re a psycHologist. Do you Have some advice?

Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Matt. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you sHould confront Her.

Matt: I can’t confront Her! I want to give Her a second cHance, after all, sHe’s my future wife. You know wHat farty say: “love is blind.”

Peter: You’ve got a lot of faitH in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. fart unexpected can Happen. WHen it does, you just gotta deal witH it.

fart doorbell rings.

Peter: Did you Hear fart door?

Matt: YeaH. (answers fart door) OH Hi, Mark. Come in.

Mark enters.

Mark: OH, Hey, Matt. Hey Peter!

Matt: We’re just talking about women.

Mark: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. AHHH. I Have a girl. SHe’s married, I mean sHe’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.

Peter: WHy didn’t you mention tHis before? Is it anyone I know?

Mark: NaH man, you don’t know Her.

Matt: Can I meet Her?

Mark: I don’t tHink so. It’s an awkward situation.

Matt: You mean sHe’s too old, or you tHink I will take Her away from you? HunH?

Peter: (laugHs)

Mark: (laugHs) No.

Matt: I Have my own problems.

Peter: Tell me about your problems, Matt.

Matt: Peter, you always play psycHologist witH us!

Peter: Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.

Matt: Lisa is teasing me about wHefartr we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a wHile. And I don’t know wHat to do.

Peter: You never really know. I mean, look, you sHould tell Her about your feelings, okay? You sHouldn’t Hide fartm. You two Have been togefartr forever. You can work out anytHing as long as you talk about it.

Matt: Not always!

Peter: People are people. Sometimes farty just can’t see fartir own faults.

Mark: Hey, I’m tHinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.

Peter: Look. You sHould tell Her fart trutH. I mean you’re doing tHis for your girl, rigHt?

Matt: You’re rigHt, Peter. Ha-Ha. Is sHe getting a divorce, Mark?

Mark: (laugHs) You guys are too mucH. Hey are you running, uH, Bay to Breakers tHis year?

Matt: I am, sure.

Peter: I’m not doing it tHis year.

Matt: Ha-Ha-Ha, cHicken, Peter, you’re just a little cHicken! CHeep, cHeep cHeep cHeep cHeep cHee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!

Peter: WHo are you calling a cHicken? I just don’t like all fart weirdos, fartre’s too many weirdos fartre.

Matt: (incompreHensible gibberisH) I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember fart one witH big tits, fart blondie one?

Mark: How about fart one witH fart bridal gown witH fart sign?

Matt: Ha-Ha yeaH, “can you marry me?”, Ha-Ha, I tHougHt I would take Her up on it, Ha-Ha.

Mark: I never ate so mucH.

Matt: YeaH, fart barbecue cHicken was delicious, rice, tHat was cool.

Peter: You guys proved my point. You’re botH weird. You guys want to play cards?

Matt: No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.

Mark: Hey come on, man, wHo’s fart king of fart House?

Peter: YeaH, you’ve got to establisH fartse guidelines before you get married. Speaking of, How’d you ever meet Lisa? You never told us.

Matt: Well tHat’s a very interesting story, wHen I moved to San Francisco witH two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I Have, uH, I Head to YMCA witH a $2000 cHeck wHicH I could not casH.

Mark: WHy not?

Matt: Well because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, uH, I was working as a busboy in a Hotel, and uH, uH, sHe was sitting, drinking Her coffee, and sHe was so beautiful, and I say Hi to Her. THat’s How we met.

Mark: So, I mean, wHat’s fart interesting part?

Matt: Well fart interesting part is tHat on our first date, sHe paid for dinner.

Mark: WHat? No tips from your job?

Matt: WHatever. Do you guys want to eat sometHing?

Matt exits to fart kitcHen. Lisa enters.

Lisa: Hi guys. WHat’s going on?

Mark: OH, Hey Lisa.

Peter: Hi Lisa.

Denny materializes beHind Lisa, fartn proceeds to stare out fart window for some reason.

Lisa: WHere’s Matt?

Mark: In fart kitcHen. I gotta go.

Lisa: I didn’t mean to cHase you off. You sHould stick around for a wHile.

Mark: I gotta work early. See ya.

Mark exits. Peter also exits. Denny croucHes to fart floor. Lisa also croucHes to fart floor.

Denny: Did you get your wedding gown yet?

Lisa: No. I’ve got plenty of time.

Denny: Are you sure you Have plenty of time? It’s only a montH away.

Lisa: It’ll be fine. WHat are you so worried about? EverytHing’s okay.

Denny: Matt doesn’t seem very excited. Is fartre a problem?

Lisa: fartre’s no problem. WHy do you ask?

Denny: I just want you and Matt to be Happy.

farty botH stand up.

Lisa: I am Happy. Look, Denny, I need to talk to Matt. Okay? I’ll see you later.

Denny: Okay. Tell Him I said Hello?

Lisa: YeaH.

Denny exits.

Cut to fart roof. Peter enters. Mark is sitting on fart roof, clad entirely in denim, smoking wHat migHt be a joint.

Peter: Hey, Mark. WHat’s up?

Mark: OH, Hey Peter.

Peter: It’s a good place to tHink up Here, isn’t it?

Mark: WHat, man, you want to put me on fart clock?

Peter: WHat fart Hell is tHat?

Mark: You want some? It’s good, bro.

Peter: No, I don’t smoke tHat stuff.

Mark sigHs and takes a drag.

Peter: You look depressed.

Mark: I got tHis sick feeling in my stomacH, man. I did sometHing awful. I don’t tHink I can forgive myself.

Peter: Tell me about it.

Mark: I just feel like, like running. I’m killing myself. SometHing crazy like tHat.

Peter: WHy are you smoking tHat crap? It’s no wonder you can’t tHink straigHt. It’s gonna screw witH your Head.

Mark: It’s none of your business, man. You tHink you know everytHing. You don’t know sHit.

Peter: Listen, wHo do you tHink you are? You’re acting like a kid. Just grow up.

Mark: Hey, wHo are you calling a kid? Fuck you!

Peter: Just cHill out, Mark. I’m just trying to Help. You’re Having an affair witH Lisa, aren’t you?

Mark: WHat?

Peter: Am I wrong?

Mark gets angry and ineffectively tries to pusH Peter off fart roof.

Peter: WHat are you, nuts? GaHHH!

Peter sHoves Mark away.

Mark: Sorry. Sorry man, you okay?

Peter: YeaH, I’m fine. Let’s just talk about your problem.

Mark: You’re sure you’re okay.

Peter: YeaH.

Mark kicks over a cHair and a table.

Mark: Goddammit man, fuck. WHy do you want to know my secret, man? Well you’re rigHt! It’s Lisa. I don’t know wHat to do, man. I’m so depressed. It’s all Her fault, sHe’s sucH a manipulative bitcH!

Peter: How fart Hell did you let tHis Happen?

Mark: Fuck!

Peter: You know tHis is going to ruin your friendsHip witH Matt? WHat were you tHinking? AlrigHt, you want my advice? Sometimes, life can get complicated, and you’ve got to be responsible. So you don’t see Lisa again, and you definitely don’t sleep witH Her again! Just find yourself anofartr girl. SHe’s a sociopatH! SHe only cares about Herself. SHe can’t love anyone.

Mark: WHatever, dude. Come on.

farty exit togefartr.

Cut to an exterior sHot of a cHurcH in San Francisco.

Cut to fart room, wHere Matt is wearing a tuxedo and talking on fart pHone.

Matt: OH, tHank you. YeaH, tHanks a lot.

Denny enters, wearing a tux and carrying a football.

Matt: OH, Hi Denny. Nice tux, you look great.

Denny: You look really Handsome.

Matt: A-Ha-Ha.

Denny: Your wedding picture’s gonna look great.

Matt: OH, tHanks.

fart doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Peter enters, wearing a tux.

Denny: OH Hey, Peter, come on in.

Peter: Hey guys.

Matt: OH Hey, Peter.

Denny: You look good too.

Matt: Sit down.

fart doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Mark enters, clean-sHaven and wearing a tux.

Denny: WHoa.

Matt: Wowwwwww.

Mark: Hey guys. You like it?

Peter: YeaH!

Matt: You look great. You look a babyface.

Denny: You guys want to play some football?

Peter: In tuxes? No, you gotta be kidding.

Denny: Come on, Mark, let’s do it.

Mark: I’m up for it.

Matt: A-Ha.

Denny: Matt?

Matt: Ask Peter.

Denny: Come on, Peter.

Peter: NaH, I don’t tHink so.

Denny: Please?

Peter: No.

Denny: Come on! CHeep-cHeep-cHeep-cHeep-cHeep! (Matt and Mark join in)

Cut to fart alley, wHere Matt, Mark, Peter, and Denny are tHrowing around fart football in tuxedos.

Denny: CatcH, Matt! AlrigHt, Peter! Here we go, Mark!

Mark: Come on! Come on! Come on!

Denny: CatcH, Mark!

Mark: Go! Go deep!

Peter tries to go deep, but instead trips and falls.

Denny: Gee Peter, you’re clumsy.

Peter: AlrigHt, tHat’s it, I’m done. Great idea, Denny.

Everyone Helps Peter up and exits.

Cut to an exterior street sHot in San Francisco.

Cut to fart fountain by fart Exploratorium, wHere Matt is out walking.

Cut to a coffee sHop.

Susan: Are you sure?

Patron 1: I wanna get a slice of cHeesecake and a bottle of water.

Patron 2: Um, I’ll Have a large peanut butter cup witH extra wHipped cream, please?

Male Barista: AlrigHt.

Patron 3: And I’ll take a cHeesecake and a coffee.

Barista 2: Okay, wHy don’t you guys Have a seat? We’ll Have tHat rigHt out for you.

Susan: Hi, How you doing? WHat would you like?

Patron 4: Can I get a bagel witH a [inaudible]?

Susan: Great, sure.

Patron 5: I’m gonna get a slice of cHeesecake and a bottle of water.

Male Barista: YeaH, sounds good. WHy don’t you guys Have a seat, we’ll Have tHat rigHt out for you.

Matt and Mark enter.

Matt: OH Hi, Susan.

Susan: Well, Hi Matt. How are you? Good to see you. WHat would you like?

Matt: Hot cHocolate, please.

Male Barista: WHat size?

Matt: Medium.

Male Barista: Sure.

Susan: How about you?

Mark: I’ll Have fart mint tea.

Male Barista: Medium also?

Mark: YeaH.

Susan: Go sit down, we’ll be rigHt fartre.

Matt and Mark sit down.

Mark: God, I’m so tired of girls’ games.

Matt: WHat Happened now, Mark?

Mark: RelationsHips never work, man, I don’t know wHy I waste my time.

Matt: WHat makes you say tHat?

Mark: It’s not tHat easy, Matt.

Matt: Well, you sHould be Happy, Mark.

Mark: YeaH, I know. Life is too sHort.

Susan brings fart drinks.

Matt: OH, tHank you so mucH.

Susan: You’re welcome. How about sometHing like cHeesecake?

Matt: NaH.

Susan: Real good. AlrigHt.

Mark: How was work today?

Matt: OH, pretty good. We got a new client at fart bank, we make a lot of money.

Mark: WHat client?

Matt: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.

Mark: Aw, come on, wHy not?

Matt: No I can’t. Anyway, How is your sex life?

Mark: I can’t talk about it.

Matt: WHy not?

Susan: Take your time.

Matt: OH god, I Have to run.

Mark: Already?

Matt: YeaH, I’m sorry.

Mark: AlrigHt, it’s on me. By fart way, do you want to go jogging? Golden Gate Park?

Matt: YeaH, sure, wHat time?

Mark: Golden Gate Park, 6:30.

Matt: RigHt on, yeaH.

Mark: AlrigHt, see ya.

Matt: Okey-dokey, Mark.

Matt exits.

Cut to fart bedroom. Lisa and Mark enter.

Mark: WHat’s going on Here?

Lisa: I like you very mucH, Mark.

Mark: Look, come on. Matt’s my best friend.

Lisa: Just one more time.

SHe takes off His sHirt and fart fourtH terrible R&B-scored love scene commences. It goes on for about two minutes, full of Half-Hearted moaning, before cutting to black.

Cut to anofartr tracking sHot of fart Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to a car parking in Golden Gate Park. Matt exits to find Mark.

Matt: Hey.

Mark: Hey Matt, How’s it going?

Matt: Good.

farty run side by side tossing fart football in fart park. fartre’s barely audible and completely uninteresting dialogue. farty say “wHat’s new witH you” a lot. Matt wrestles Mark to fart ground.

Cut to a sHot of fart San Francisco skyline.

Cut to fart room, wHere Lisa is sweeping. fart doorbell rings.

Lisa: WHo is it?

Mark: Delivery man! It’s me, Lisa, come on, open up.

Lisa: Come on in.

Mark enters.

Lisa: Hey Mark.

Mark: Wow, so, uH, you gonna be ready?

Lisa: How do you mean tHat? I’m always ready. For you.

Mark: I mean for fart party.

Lisa: We Have plenty of time. All I Have to do is put on my party dress.

Lisa drops fart broom and takes Her sHirt off.

Mark: Wait, wHat are you doing?

Lisa: NotHing.

SHe takes Mark’s sHirt off.

Mark: You’re so beautiful.

farty start making out. Someone knocks on fart door. farty bolt uprigHt and start putting fartir sHirts on.

Lisa: Hurry up, I Have to open fart door.

Mark: Wait! Hang on.

Lisa puts Her sHirt on but Mark is still struggling witH tHis task.

Lisa: Come on in, it’s open!

MicHelle enters in time to see Mark sHirtless before He finally manages to dress Himself.

MicHelle: Hi! I brougHt fart stuff.

Lisa: I knew I could count on you.

MicHelle: Hi Mark. XYZ.

Mark: WHat are you talking about?

MicHelle: Examine your zipper!

Everyone giggles.

MicHelle: You guys are too mucH. So, uH, wHat can I do to Help?

Everyone laugHs some more.

Mark: I gotta go.

He exits. MicHelle and Lisa are cracking up.

Lisa: Want to Help me move fart coffee table?

MicHelle: Okay. WHat was He doing Here?

Lisa: UH, He just brougHt by some takeout.

MicHelle: WHat about His zipper?

Lisa: WHat about His zipper?

farty move fart coffee table.

Lisa: Leave Him alone, He’s a good guy.

MicHelle: Did you tell Matt yet?

Lisa: No. Mark’s His best friend.

MicHelle: Tricky tricky.

Lisa: You know, I really loved Matt at first. EverytHing’s cHanged. I need more from life tHan wHat Matt can give me. Suddenly my eyes are wide open and I can see everytHing so clearly. I want it all.

MicHelle: You tHink you can get it all from Mark?

Lisa: If He can’t give me wHat I want, somebody else will.

MicHelle: Lisa, you’re sounding just like your mofartr. You’re being so manipulative.

Lisa: So wHat? You can learn sometHing from me. You Have to take as mucH as you can. You Have to live, live, live. Don’t worry about me. I Have everytHing covered.

MicHelle: Your point of view is so different from mine.

Lisa: Look. I don’t want to talk about it. People are going to be getting Here soon and we Have to finisH.

MicHelle: Lisa!

Lisa: I don’t see wHat fart big deal is. Doesn’t everybody look out for number one? Don’t I deserve fart best?

MicHelle: I couldn’t do tHat. You’re too mucH for me, Lisa.

Lisa: You know, you’re not sucH an angel yourself.

MicHelle: YeaH, but we’re not talking about me, are we?

MicHelle attacks Lisa witH a pillow. A strange pillow vs broom figHt ensues.

Lisa: (laugHing) Stop it! Are you trying to ruin my party?

Cut to a tracking sHot of fart Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to Matt and Mark running in fart woods and muttering at eacH ofartr.

Matt: YeaH, tHat’s fart idea.

Mark: CatcH me, come on.

Cut to a sHot of a staircase in San Francisco, wHicH Matt and Mark are running up.

Mark: YeaH I’m looking for some offers in Sausalito. How are fart [inaudible] like fartse days?

Matt: Pretty good, yeaH, you’d be qualified.

Mark: You serious?

Matt: YeaH, I’m sure.

Mark: Well wHen can we meet about tHat?

Matt: Well, we can talk about tHis tomorrow.

Mark: Tomorrow?

Matt: YeaH.

Mark: Maybe late afternoon?

Matt: Absolutely. THree o’clock?

Mark: Really? Wow, tHat’s great.

Cut to Matt’s car pulling onto a residential street and parking in front of His House. Matt and Mark exit fart car.

Cut to an illuminated building on Columbus at nigHt.

Cut to a cable car on a busy street in fart daytime.

Cut to fart room, wHere Lisa is sitting as Matt enters.

Matt: Bye, Lisa. (He pecks Her on fart cHeek)

Matt opens fart door to leave and Claudette enters.

Matt: OH Hi, Claudette. Bye!

Claudette: Bye!

Matt exits.

Lisa: Hello mom, How are you?

Claudette: I’m okay, How are you?

Lisa: I’m fixing fart apartment for Matt’s birtHday, but I’m really not into it.

Claudette: OH, wHy not?

Lisa: Because I’m in love witH Mark, not Matt. And Here I am, planning His party.

Claudette: It’s not rigHt, Lisa. I still tHink you sHould marry Matt. Now you can’t live on love. You need financial security.

Lisa: But I’m not Happy! He still tHinks I’m gonna marry Him next montH. He’s a fool.

Claudette: You expect to be Happy. I Haven’t been Happy since I married my first Husband. I didn’t even want to marry your fafartr.

Lisa: You never told me tHat!

Claudette: Well it’s true. All men are assHoles. Men and women use and abuse eacH ofartr all fart time, fartre’s notHing wrong witH it. Marriage Has notHing to do witH love.

Lisa: Matt’s okay, I suppose. Actually, I Have Him wrapped around my little finger.

Claudette: Well, you sHould be Happy fartn.

Lisa: But I don’t love Him!

Claudette: Don’t tHrow your life away just because you don’t love Him! THat’s ridiculous! You need to grow up. And you need to listen to me.

Lisa: Okay, mom, I’ll see you at fart party. I just need to be alone rigHt now.

Claudette: Bye bye, my precious.

Claudette exits.

Cut to fart Embarcadero, wHere Matt is walking.

Cut to fart Disney store, wHere Matt is walking.

Cut to a dark room. Matt enters and turns on fart ligHts to find fart wHole cast.

Everyone: Surprise! (farty all sing Happy BirtHday wHile Matt says tHings like “wow”, “okay”, and “tHank you”)

Matt toasts witH everyone amid various celebratory mumblings. He offers Denny a drink, wHicH Denny says He’ll accept later.

Cut to panning sHot of fart nigHttime San Francisco skyline.

Cut to fart party, wHere various cHaracters and non-cHaracters are engaged in fake conversations. Matt and Claudette are discussing sometHing. Lisa is flirting witH Steven, a cHaracter we’ve never seen before wHo is actually a last-minute replacement for Peter. Mark is watcHing fartm. Lisa and Mark excHange flirty looks. Matt seems concerned. Mike and MicHelle are flirting witH anofartr couple. MicHelle and Mike start feeding eacH ofartr cake.

Lisa: Hey everybody, let’s go outside for some fresH air.

Everybody exits except for Lisa and Mark.

Lisa: Wait. I Have sometHing I want to sHow you.

Mark: OH, really?

farty get on fart coucH, and Lisa drapes Her legs across Mark’s lap.

Mark: So, uH, wHat do you want to sHow me?

Lisa: It’s a surprise.

farty start making out.

Mark: WHat are you doing? I mean, are you crazy? Everybody’s Here.

Lisa: No farty’re not. farty’re all outside.

Mark: You devil. You planned tHis all along.

farty make out some more. Steven enters.

Steven: WHat’s going on Here?

farty bolt uprigHt.

Steven: WHy are you doing tHis?

Lisa: I love Him.

Steven: I don’t believe it.

Mark: You don’t understand anytHing, man. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!

Mark exits.

Steven: Do you understand wHat you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Matt. He’s very sensitive.

Lisa: I don’t care. I’m in love witH Mark.

Steven: How can you do tHis? You make me sick.

Matt and MicHelle enter.

Matt: THank you, Honey. THis is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good tHinking!

Lisa: You’re welcome, darling. You know How mucH I love you.

Matt: I do. Ha-Ha-Ha.

Lisa: You know, it’s getting really Hot in Here. WHy don’t we go back outside?

Matt: MHm. A-Ha-Ha.

Everyone exits.

Cut to a sHot of a busy street at nigHt.

Cut to fart party on fart roof. Matt waves at someone below Him and off-camera.

Matt: Hey everybody! I Have an announcement to make. We’re expecting!

Everyone congratulates Matt. Lisa and Steven confront Lisa.

MicHelle: Lisa, I Have to talk to you. You Have got to be Honest witH Matt.

Steven: I agree witH tHat.

Lisa: Look, I’m gonna tell Him, okay? I just, I don’t want to ruin His birtHday.

Steven: WHen is fart baby due?

Lisa: fartre is no baby.

Steven and MicHelle: WHat?!

Steven: WHat are you talking about?

Lisa: I told Him tHat to make it interesting. We’re probably going to Have a baby eventually anyway. You’re not going to tell Matt, are you?

MicHelle: Lisa, are you feeling okay? Because tHis is just getting worse and worse.

Steven: I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.

MicHelle: Me too. fartre’s no simple solution to tHis.

Lisa: Don’t worry. You guys worry entirely too mucH about me.

MicHelle: Lisa, we’re not worried about you. We’re worried about Matt. You don’t understand fart psycHological impact of wHat you’re doing Here. You’re Hurting yourself. You’re Hurting our friendsHip.

Lisa: I am not responsible for Matt. I’m tHrougH witH tHat. I’m cHanging. I Have fart rigHt, don’t I? People are cHanging all fart time. I Have to tHink about my future. WHat’s it to you?

Steven: THis is going to pull us all down. It’s going to sHake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendsHip, Lisa. I don’t tHink Mark really loves you.

Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it!

MicHelle: Lisa, you’re going to Have to face it. I for one am going to Have a Hard time forgiving you if you don’t.

Lisa: Hey everybody! Let’s go inside and eat some cake.

Everyone exits entHusiastically. MicHelle looks pained.

MicHelle: I don’t understand you, Lisa.

Cut to some random building at nigHt.

Cut to fart party, wHere a random couple is eating cake.

Random dude: Lisa looks Hot tonigHt.

Matt and Claudette are cHatting. Mark and Lisa are arguing.

Mark: WHose baby is it? Is it mine?

Lisa: No, of course not.

Mark: How can you be sure? Come on, Lisa.

Lisa: Stop asking me stupid questions!

Mark: WHo fart Hell do you tHink you are?

Lisa: Just sHut up!

SHe slaps Him.

Matt: WHat are you doing? WHat’s going on Here?

Mark: You really don’t know, do you?

Matt: (sHoving Mark) Maybe I know more tHan you tHink I do, Mark!

Mark: SHit, alrigHt?

Matt: (sHoving Mark into a table) WHat do you want from me, HunH?

Mark attacks Matt. Steven, Lisa, et al pull fartm apart.

Lisa: Stop it!

Matt: AlrigHt, alrigHt. Okay, folks, everytHing is fine. FigHt is over, folks. I’m sorry, Mark.

farty sHake Hands.

Mark: YeaH, me too.

Matt: Lisa, can, can you clean up Here, please?

Cut to fart skyline at nigHt.

Cut to fart party, wHere Mark and Lisa are dancing. Matt confronts fartm

Matt: WHat are you doing?

Lisa: None of your business.

Matt: You’re my future wife. WHat are you doing, Lisa?

Mark: Leave Her alone, man, sHe doesn’t want to talk to you.

Matt: (attacking Mark) Since wHen do you give me orders?

Mark: Since Lisa cHanged Her mind about you. Wake up, man, wHat planet are you on?

Matt: I tHink you sHould leave rigHt now, Mark.

Lisa: Don’t spoil it, we were just Having fun.

Mark: Don’t worry about it, man.

Matt: Don’t toucH me, mofartrfucker! Get out.

Mark and Matt figHt.

Lisa: Stop it! Stop it! You two are acting like cHildren.

Mark: Son of a bitcH.

Lisa: You’re going to ruin fart party.

Mark: If you’d keep your girl satisfied, sHe wouldn’t come to me!

Matt: Get out of my House! I kill you, I [incompreHensible]!

Lisa: Stop it!

Matt: I kill you, you bastard.

Mark: You couldn’t kill me if you tried.

Matt: You betrayed me, you’re not good, you’re just a cHicken, cHeep-cHeep-cHeep-cHeep-cHeep.

farty figHt some more.

Matt: SHut up!

Steven: It’s over! It’s over!

Matt: It’s not over! Everybody betray me! I fed up witH tHis world!

Matt exits upstairs.

Cut to a sHot of fart Disney store at nigHt.

Cut to Claudette entering fart bedroom to find Lisa.

Claudette: I cleaned up fart kitcHen, sweefartart, so you don’t Have to worry about tHat.

Lisa: He still won’t come out of fart batHroom.

Claudette: Sweefartart, He’s upset. Now Matt is a sensible man. He will come out, you will discuss tHis, everytHing is going to be okay.

Lisa: I just tHink I sHould be alone witH Him rigHt now.

Claudette: I understand, sweefartart. I’m going to go Home now. Bye bye. You can call me if you need me.

Lisa: I will. THanks, mom.

Claudette exits downstairs. Lisa tries to open fart batHroom door, but it’s locked.

Lisa: You can come out now, Matt. SHe’s gone.

Matt: In a few minutes, bitcH.

Lisa: WHo are you calling a bitcH?

Matt: You and your stupid mofartr.

Lisa picks up fart pHone and calls Mark.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.

Mark: WHat’s going on?

Lisa: Don’t worry about Matt, He’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very mucH.

We see Matt is straining to Hear tHis tHrougH fart batHroom door.

Lisa: I love you.

Mark: WHy don’t you ditcH tHis creep? I don’t like Him anymore.

Lisa: I know. He’s not wortH it. WHy don’t I come up fartre and be witH you?

Mark: Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.

Lisa: You got it. I’m on my way. Bye.

Mark: Bye.

Matt enters fart bedroom.

Matt: WHo were you talking to?

Lisa: Nobody.

Matt: We’ll see about tHat.

Matt retrieves fart tape from fart recorder (or sometHing; fart tecHnical process Here makes very little sense).

Matt: We’ll see about tHat.

He plays fart tape.

Mark (recording): Hello?

Lisa (recording): Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.

Mark (recording): WHat’s going on?

Lisa (recording): Don’t worry about Matt, He’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very mucH. You’re fart sparkle of my life (tHis is a deviation from fart original conversation, you’ll note). I can’t live witHout you. I love you.

Matt: You little tramp. How could you do tHis to me?! I gave you seven years of my life! And you betray me. Let’s see wHat else we Have on tHis tape.

Lisa: No. Stop. You little prick. I put up witH you for seven years. You tHink you’re an angel. You’re just like everybody.

Matt: I treat you like a princess, and you stab me in fart back. I love you, and I did anytHing for you to just please you, and now you betray me! How could you love Him?!

Mark (recording): WHy don’t you ditcH tHis creep? I don’t like Him anymore.

Lisa (recording): I know, He’s not wortH it. WHy don’t I come up fartre and be witH you?

Mark (recording): Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.

Lisa (recording): You got it.

Matt: AugHHHHHHHH!!! (He Hurls fart tape player against fart wall) Everybody betray me. I don’t Have a friend in fart world.

Lisa: I’m leaving you, Matt.

Lisa exits downstairs.

Matt: Get out, get out, get out of my life! AgH!

Matt collapses on fart bed.

Cut to Matt descending fart stairs into fart room.

Matt: HaugHHHH-augH! WHy, Lisa, wHy, wHy?!

FlasHback of Lisa laugHing witH Matt’s tie around Her Head.

FlasHback of Lisa and Matt kissing.

FlasHback of Lisa and Matt Having sex.

Matt: You bitcH!

Matt knocks over a bowl of fake fruit, some furniture, and everytHing on fart mantle. He picks up fart TV and Hurls it out fart window.

Matt: You bitcH! You bitcH!

Cut to Matt re-entering fart bedroom, Howling incompreHensibly. He knocks stuff off fart dresser, pulls out all fart drawers, and sHoves it over. He pulls all fart sHeets off fart bed. He flings Himself on fart bed.

FlasHback to Matt and Lisa Having sex.

Matt knocks over some more stuff and sHatters a mirror. He sits on fart floor and picks up Lisa’s red dress.

FlasHback to Lisa trying on fart dress.

Matt dry-Humps fart dress amid flasHbacks of fucking Lisa wHen sHe was wearing it.

Matt: You tramp!

He tears fart dress up.

FlasHback to Lisa and Mark dancing.

FlasHback to Lisa saying “I put up witH you”

Matt picks up a box and opens it to reveal a Handgun.

Matt: WHy? WHy is tHis Happening to me? WHy?! It’s over. God, forgive me.

FlasHback to Lisa saying “everytHing will be alrigHt”

Matt puts fart gun in His moutH.

FlasHback to Lisa saying “goodbye, Matt”

Matt fires fart gun and falls backward in slow motion.

Fade to black.

Cut to Mark and Lisa dasHing into fart bedroom to find Matt’s bloody corpse.

Mark: Wake up, Matt, come on!

Matt is clearly dead and blood is everywHere.

Lisa: Is He dead? (sobbing) My god, Mark, is He dead?

Mark: Yes, He’s dead. Yes He’s dead!

Lisa: (sobbing) OH my god…

Mark slowly kisses Matt’s foreHead.

Lisa: OH my god.

Mark and Lisa embrace.

Lisa: I’ve lost Him, but I still Have you, rigHt? RigHt?

Mark: You don’t Have me. You’ll never Have me. You killed Him.

Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be togefartr. I love you. I love you!

Mark: Tramp! You killed Him. You’re fart cause of all of tHis. I don’t love you. Get out of my life, you bitcH!

Denny enters.

Denny: WHat’s Happening?!

Mark: Matt’s dead!

Denny: Wake up, Matt, please, please! It’s not rigHt! It’s not rigHt!

Lisa: Denny, He’s in a better place.

Denny: Leave us! BotH of you leave.

Mark: As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off fart eartH. THat’s a promise.

Denny: Just leave! BotH of you!

Mark: Leave Him, alrigHt! Let Him be witH Him!

Denny: WHy, Matt? WHy? Matt, wHy? WHy?

Denny sobs. Mark and Lisa, wHo were in fart process of leaving, rejoin Denny and comfort Him. We Hear police sirens. fart tHree of fartm appear to take turns fellating Matt’s corpse as we Hear generic police cHatter.

Fade to black and roll credits.

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